Me Before We Met

Assalamualaikum.

I was on the internet browsing through different pages, songs, clips and some other reading materials, something came across. "One who is good now, may have been bad in the past and one who's not so good now, may changed in the future. Moving on and changing for the better is the privilege posses by everybody."
It was not really put down exactly like that. That was my conclusion for the things that I read and watched. It's true indeed.

It make me think. Where am I now? One who's bad in the past or one who's still somewhat not-so-good now.

In a sense, I think I am better than before.
I'm a degree holder -  I was just a student before.
I am more positive than before - I was a very negative all over before.
*and many other which I think is not suitable to be stated here.

But in some other, I think I'm still a not-so-good person.
I am still not wearing hijab/tudung just yet.
I am still a short-tempered person.
*and many other which I think is embarrassing to be stated.

I am still lingering and still trying to find my own definition of a good person. I know our definition of a good person will never be the same. I will not want to say this type of person is good or that type of person is bad. Who am I to judge in the first place anyway? It's not that I don't have my stand. I have. But I am really afraid to state which is right and which is not. My bad maybe good to others, their bad maybe good to me. However, I will always keep my faith strong, Insya-Allah. *tidak akan saya mengiakan yang tidak. sebagaimana saya dengan jelasnya mengetahui ke'tidak'annya. Kalau berdosa ia, kekal saya mengatakan ia dosa. I will always want to change for the better. I will always seek for the truth. I will always try to be a better person than who I was. 

Things which I am very grateful now, is the thing which i have taught my heart to do. I used to be very volatile. I used to be very negative. I used to jump into conclusion. I used to always misjudged the situation. I used to always be very aggressive in defending myself. However, today I am not all volatile anymore. I am not all negative anymore. I taught myself to look on the bright side in every situation. I taught myself to always believe in Qada' and Qadar. And foremost, I managed to only think good about other, and forgive those who had mistreated me. Yes. I've done that. I forgive every one who had done bad things to me. Forgiving is not for the other, it's for myself. By forgiving I am releasing myself from hatred and ill feelings. Alhamdulillah.

I've taken one step towards the betterment.

Kesyukuran Saya

Alhamdulillah. Hari ini masih bernyawa. Masih menghirup udara segar. Masih merasa sejuknya angin hujan.
Dugaan datang bertimpa. "Selepas satu, satu jatuh. Redha saya pada yang jadi. Ikhlas saya dalam kata-kata. Ikhlas saya dalam urusan saya. Astaghfirullah di saat dada sempit." Terluah dari dalam hati. Terluah dari dalam dada. Semua yang terasa, semua yang dicerna oleh hati, saya telan semua. Pahit kelat, telan juga. Tidak kerana tiada pilihan kedua malah ketiga. Kerana ini semua kurniaan-Nya. Tiada dugaan tak mampu di lalui. Tiada dugaan tak mampu dijalani. "Allah tidak akan menduga seandainya Dia tahu hambanya tidak mampu menanggungnya." Sekiranya Maha Pencipta percaya akan kudrat dan semangat saya, siapa saya untuk meraguinya? Siapa kita untuk persoal takdir tulisan ketentuan-Nya? Jalannya hidup kita, mungkin terasa seperti kita yang memilih jalan laluan penceritaannya. Tapi tidak ada satu pun akan berlaku tanpa keredhaan-Nya. Mengapa perlu mempersoal? Allah itu lebih mengetahui, malah perancang segalanya, apatah lagi Dia adalah pencipta segenap alam maya.

Cabaran hidup saya terasa amat berat di kala menanggungnya. Sesaat menyaksi dugaan dan cabaran yang lainnya, syukur saya, Allah menyedarkan saya, dugaan saya tidaklah seberapa. Alhamdulillah untuk kesedaran yang tidak terlalu lewat datangnya. Tidak bekerja. Ramai senasib yang sama. Tidak mempunyai kertas bersegi empat biru, hijau, merah dan turquoise yang banyak. Masih lagi berpeluang bernafas sihat walafiat dibumi yang serba indah dan mewah. Alhamdulillah. Di saat kesukaran terasa, Allah tunjukkan pula, akan ada rezeki di mana-mana dalam pelusuk dunia. Alhamdulillah. Diterima bekerja sebermula Isnin, 21 November 2011. Alhamdulillah saya bersyukur.Alhamdulillah saya gembira. Terima kasih ya Allah untuk rezeki ini.

Semoga rasa syukur dalam dada tak pernah putus. Doa saya sebelum menutup mata, semoga sihat-sihat semua, ibu bapa, adik beradik, rakan-rakan serta saudara mara. Semoga rezeki yang diberkati, dikurnia kepada kita semua.

Asalamualaikum.

Little Thing Which Made My Day..

Graduation dah lama dah. Tapi takde upload sini pon. Sebab, Erm...takde mood.
Dalam saya yang takde mood nak upload, ada sorang ni yang dah upload dalam blog dia.
Dia, anak sedara saya... Ahh...comel kot!!!

Ucapan paling best untuk graduation yang saya dapat.

Actly nak sangat ikut , tapi tak dapat :'\ Nevermind lah , Cik Yah I love you . Wish you a great life and a good job :D

Sincerely
Hantu Raya Kembo xD

kita duduk

kita duduk dalam lapang.
Tak datang erti makna senang.
Kita duduk dalam kelam.
Tak paham rasa bila terang.
Kita duduk dalam senang.
Kita tak tahu pengajaran dlm pelajaran.

Tapi kita selalu alpa.
Tapi kita suka lupa.

kita duduk dalam susah.
Kita sedar erti payah.
Kita duduk dalam resah.
Kita rasa manis usaha.

Kejap kita rasa.
Kejap juga kita lupa.
Kejap kita gembira.
Tak lambat juga datang sedihnya

Penulis tak mencari pembaca.

Tulis.
Tulis apa itu rasa.
Tulis apa itu maksud.
Tulis apa itu makna.
Tulis juga apa itu perasaan.

Baca.
Jangan baca huruf.
Jangan baca tulisan.
Jangan baca simbolnya.
Jangan baca ceritanya.

Tulisan itu penyataan.
Tulisan itu kiasan.
Tulisan itu juga pengkisahan.


Yang terzahir cuma luaran.
Yang ternampak cuma tulisan.

Jika pandai dinilai diertikan.
Ia guru yang memberi pelajaran.

just

just when i woke up this morning,
my sky are brighter and orange.

just when i want to close my eyes,
in my mind there you lies.

just when i thought that i don't need anybody,
you gave me the real reason of needing somebody.

just when i feel secure in my tiny little world,
i am drown in your flowery soothing words.

just what i want is,
for you to want me back.

just what i need is,
for you to need me back.

just what i love is,
how u show your love.

Something I found in the old rack

Memang ada bende yang kite sayang dan nak selalu ada, tapi ada masanya, dia akan hilang. Pada masa tu, kite akan sedar, nak bersedih sangat pon tak guna. Sebab, akan datang satu masa nnt, kite akan mendapat pengganti. Mungkin tak sama, tak serupa dan sebiji dgn apa yg kite pernah ada, tp, da dapat pengganti da kire ok la tu. Jadi, pandai2 la move on ye…

It doesn't matter anymore

it might sound a bit selfish. It might sound a bit silly.It might sound obnoxious.It might sound bad.It might sound lame.Everybody has been at that moment where they'll give up doing anything.From being sad, to being happy.From feeling content to feeling lonely.Every single thing has been done. Every single wish had never been granted.Every single 'hi' has been greeted.And she, will not do it anymore.She'll not greet anymore.She will not be asking anymore.She has seen it.She asked, and she was blew away.She sit still, and she got her asking...Maybe that's not a good way to do things.But to her, it just doesn't matter anymore.

nevermind

back then;
nak makan kuey tiow goreng.
*tak masak2 sampai sudahh...
bising-bising gado-gado.
tak cakap.
buat muka.

now;
nape tak makan? da masak da tu. banyak.
Masak benda yang orang tanak makan.memang la tak makan.
abes tu, nak makan apa? nanti boleh masak. kalau mintak pelik-pelik, memang la tak buat.
ntahh...tak rasa nak makan apa-apa. masak je la...orang makan. apa-apa pon orang makan. tak kisah...

ari ni nak makan apa? bubur nak?
tak kisahhh.....masak je laaaa.....
kang masak tak makan.
masak je la.....

:( feels bad. to do such. but sometimes when u really want something so bad, u asked and asked and asked but no good respond were given, u just stop asking. maybe you get used to rejection and you feels like,
"nevermind, i'll just swallow it inside; another rejection would hurt both."

I wanna

i wanna write.
a book with only a chapter.
only a subject matter.
what i see with my eyes.
what i hear with my ears.

i wanna write.
i just need one paper.
one that would sufficiently enough for one whole chapter.
if only, it can be done,
if ever.

i wanna read.
one chapter.
in a single paper.
and not only a story about him or her.

i wanna read.
and in my reading,
i would make a finding.
about almost everything
above beyond what i can think.

he left

he was nothing near perfect.
he was nothing near flawless.
he was nothing near great.
neither was him nearing mighty.

he offers none.
he provides none.
he shows none.
but the love with the only way he could.

he was not good.
he's far from great.
but to her, he has been.
most loyal he can be.

he never juged.
though he seen it all.
he never buged.
though he has felt it all.

to her he has been.
loyal like no other.
to her he has been.
as fool as one can be.

he was happy.
though he knew she was lying.
he was pretending.
though he knew she was cheating.

he said none to other.
he can. always. he can.
but he won't. no he won't.
he loved too much to hurt her.

he left one day.
to a place where she can't come.
he left one day.
to a place where peace can he found.

You and The Dreams

it's weird how sometimes i took a peep into you.
i did not care much before.
neither am i care lot this moment.
but sometimes i found it good.
you're doing great.
it stings a bit.l
but really, i am happy.
you are another person who passes through me and made me realise.
we can do what we always wanted to do.
i admire you.
sometimes jealous at you.
but truly, i am happy.

you make your way through.
you were down there before.
you thought it was the end.
and you said never again.

we just can't see where the path will lead us.
and sometimes, all we can do is just hold on and believe.
most of the times, we wonder,
to what extent will this thing linger.

happy you make your way through.
happy you're doing good.
happy you get what you want.
Alhamdulillah.
in the end, everything's going to be alright.

I looked

I looked at people.
I try to create a story for them.
I looked at people.
I try to speak for them.
I looked at life,
I compare to what I have in mine.


I looked at people.
People whom I might have known.
I looked at people.
People who has a path which contradicts mine.
I looked at life.
I compare to what is lack in mine.


I looked at people.
I thought they are happy.
I looked at people.
I thought they are content.
I looked at life,
I know I have to survive.


I looked around.
I try to find.
something which i
I don't know how to define.


I looked around.
Somehow I found.
Life tells me story.
It put me back down to the ground.

Unrhythmic feelings for a friend.

When I needed friends, I could not find one.
When I needed an ear, seems like all were clogged.
When I needed a shoulder, all were occupied.
When I needed an advice, all were dissappeared.
And I became weaker than I've ever been.
And I cried my heart out into a pillow.
And I wrote my whine out to a paper.
And I look around,still, I found none.
It was hard, it was hurting.
It was sad, it was lonely.
I was humiliated. It was embarassing
What hurts most, I get all the credit for not being strong enough.
And I learned.
And I knew.
And I realised.
I'm on my own.
And so, I became, a loner,
I swallowed it all.
A broke up with a boyfriend, was bad.
Breaking up with friends was even worst.
The past is done. I've been betrayed.
And so I learned never to depend.
I am pretty much have me, and only.
Call me emotional,
Call me absurd,
You know nothing at all,
For I will never give you a call.
We'll know, who's our true friend when we're at the bottom.
We'll know who'll be with us,
and who would feel empathy,
or who'd help to add some more spice to the wound.
Things been done,
words been said.
I was a joke,
Laugh all you want.
Thank you for the lesson.
Said I passed the test.
What a respond from a so called 'friend'.
Thank you, I made it through once, I can make it on my own.

Subuh

mumy. bangun.
*errrmmmm...
mumy, bangun. subuh.
*dady mandi dulu.

rambut di urai-urai.
muka di belai.
di tepuk-tepuk kaki.
di tarik-tarik tangan lagi.

mumy, bangun sayang.
*ermmmmmm.....
mumy, bangun cepat, nanti lambat.
*dady pegi dulu.

tangan di belai lagi.
telinga ditiupnya pula.
ditepuk-tepuk kaki.
bingkas bangkit mengalah dia.

mandi dia.
bersiram air sesuam kuku.
bersiap dia.
bersiap untuk menunaikan seru.

di renjis air kemuka si dia.
di renjis lagi, biar sedar.

berdiri di sisi,
terus menanti,
menunggu yang pasti,
kekasihnya masih,
tak bangkit lagi.

mumy.
*errmm..
mumy.
*ok bukak dah mata.
bangun duduk.
*ok. iye.
berdiri terus.
*iye.
mandi. subuh, nanti lambat.

di satu hari nanti,
harapan ini terjadi.
duduk berangan,
bukan ia sesuatu yang ringan.

belum pernah terjadi lagi.
berharap untuk nanti,
di setiap pagi,
kasih di semi setiap hari.

*good malay story often makes me wander.

Smile because your smile matter to those around you.

YOU. ingat tak dulu. dulu, masa you tengah susah hati dan selalu moody. masa you rasa takde sapa paham you. *err...selalu je kan you rasa takde orang faham you. yelah.masa tu..i pernah bagi you satu buku kan? buku smiley. ingat tak? buku kaler itam, ada one big smiley on the front and three little smileys at the back. ah..buku tu lahh.. that book which i bought when i was passing by a very old bookstore and i saw it, it was actually dusty...but kat cover dia ada tulis. "smile because your smile matter to those around you." and at that time, your smile is actually what matter most to me. and so I bought the book because I need to tell you without telling you that your happiness is important to me. Even if I'm not the who'd be the reason for your happiness.

My intention was, for you to have something which you will have by yourside just when you think talking to the people around you is useless because none of us would understand you. I said, "whenever you pissed of, mad or sad, just write it all here. you can let it all out here. make it sort of a letter to someone you would never meet, but understand you the most. you can write everything here. even if it is about me.

Ingat tak you buku tu?? I tau you ingat. And I remember reading the very first note in the book. It was about how you appreciate this book very much. and you would write more. and one of the bitterest moment to you was when i smoke some "shisha" with our friends. yes..that book. I noticed you still have that book. and i also found out that you had stopped writing. My wish is that, you stopped writing because you are all better than then..

*my attempt to share some bittersweet memories with you. didn't work did it?
but I'm glad I had tried it.S

Umum Salahnya

Buruk perkataannya, kau kisahkan.
Buruk perangainya, kau ceritakan.
Mengaruk hamunnya, kau sebarkan.
Buruk lakunya, kau umumkan.

Tangisnya dia, saat kau kelaparan, tak kau kisahkan.
Sedihnya dia, saat kau keletihan, tak kau ceritakan.
Runtun hatinya, saat kau kesusahan, tak pernah kau umumkan.
Sabarnya dia, saat kau curang, tak pernah kau dedahkan.

Waktu kau berbohong, dan dia redha.
Tak pernah kah kau, rasa kasihan.
Saat kau sombong, dan dia kesusahan, takkah kau rasa satu kesalahan.
Saat dia perlu pertolongan, terus ditinggalkan, tak perlukah kau, beri penjelasan?

Dia marah. Dia menjerit.
Dia mengamuk. Dia mengaruk.

Dia sayang. Dia cinta.
Dia sakit. Dia perit.
Dia sabar. Dia tabah.

Biar hatinya, matikan semua rasa.
Mengusap dada, terus beristghfar.
Semoga sabar, masih berbaki.
Insya-Allah kemaafan tiba satu masa nanti.

In The Midst of The Cold

filled with tears.
haunt with fear.
dropping hopes.
leaving dreams.

too tired to think.
too sad to wish.
to all in hands.
i wish to free.

sadness strokes
in the midst of the cold.
helpless to run
when i can't stand.

Kawan-Kawan Saya

Di awalnya, saya sendiri saya.
Saya mula kenal dia.
Orang pertama saya berkata.
Orang pertama saya menyapa.
Yang kurang lebih sama macam saya.
Kita putih, tapi kita putih yang tak sama.
Kita hitam, tapi hitam kita pon tak sama.
Kita confuse, tapi kita tetap sama-sama terus.
Saya kenal pula dengan dia, dia, dan dia.
Dia semua jadi kakak adik saya.
Permulaan saya.
Kenal dengan mereka,
lidah saya mula rasa benda baru.
Lidah saya mula rasa benda berbeza.
Perkataan saya mula bertambah.
Pengetahuan saya mula bercambah.
Pandangan saya juga berubah.
Terima kasih ika, ida, dan deeha.
KPM jugak jadi pemangkin.
Saya mula kenal kawan-kawan yang lain.
Semua sebab nak tanya;
"eh, you da cek duit KPM?"
Semua sebab KPM.
Saya kenal Nerd, Konoi, Ali dengan Nudin.
Lepas tu, saya mula duduk library.
Bukan sebab rajin,
Sebab saya bosan duduk sendiri dalam bilik yang dingin.
Konon-konon baca buku,nak duduk sampai malam.
Kite menyambil;
makan, baca,minum,baca,gossip, baca,cuci mata, baca.
Kat situ juga kita jumpa Pink Panther.
Gf Nudin yang Nudin pon tak tau dia tu gf Nudin.
Pink Panther pon tak tau dia tu gf Nudin.
Saya kenal pulak dengan Cikema, Arep.
Saya belajar perkataan SEBEK.
Semua situasi saya nak guna kan sebek.
Kenapa sebek.
Cikema tinggalkan saya sebek masa rumate dia tgh bergadoh.
Sebek saya situ.
Lepas tu saya mula kenal ramai budak kelas.
Kalau sebelum tu, saya tak kenal.
Sungguh saya lupe.
Maafkan saya ye.
Sungguh orang kata, zaman belajar zaman paling bahagia.
Tak dapat nak kata apa, saya pon setuju juga.
Semua orang yang ada, takkan saya lupa.
Saya sayang semua.
Walaupun takde nama sebut sini sana,
Awak-awak kene tahu, saya ingat awak semua.

Sesuatu Yang di Kutip dari Tulisan Lama (5) "Now That You Are Here"

Don't come to say you are sorry...because I am for you...

Don't ask me how to live because now i know better..

I thought perfect moment is a long journey---proven it's not..

Don't come to reminisce, because I stop doing it long time ago....

Things are not gonna be the same..

Thought I'm not gonna be sober..

Now I'm much better....

Can't believe I could view from different angle....

Won't lie about how happy I am...

Won't need that..

COS I AM.....

Sesuatu Yang di Kutip Dari Tulisan Lama (4) "FRAIZZ

at times u make me cry...
it happens when u lie.. 
i just know it...
still. u want to deny...
the more i know...
the more u ignore...
yes i know...
not all i know..
but it's enough you know?
i'm happy when u smile...
content when i became the reason of that smile..
we never bother about others...
at least i do because u, me is just enough..
i tried to be a new version of mumy..
and i know i lost the privilege of being me..
that's ok that's alright..
in a relationship we have to compromise.
things got out of hands..
i don't want it to end..
i know for sure..
this feeling i have is not over...
can't see you as what u used to be...
i just can't stand it...
when she's standing in between...
don't mind about the other lady..
they are beautiful...
i know that..
but they are beauty with brain...
this one..
i can't tolerate...
just can't accept it..
just don't get it...
so, i thought...
why not..
give her a shot...
maybe she worth a lot..
we are not kids anymore..
we are not newbies..
we are not strangers..
we know more than anyone know...
we feel more than anyone would feel..
we faced at least to the extent we had put our heart could stand...
why want to fight when it can be good?
why want to curse when we can be cool?
i love it. 
to be asking about u.
to be learning about u.
to know new thing, day to day about u. 
i like it.
to ask silly little Q...
to have to chose your shoe..
to talk more and more, it's ok if it's only about u..
remember mcd?
remember the FRAIZ?
remember how i said it?
remember how ur eyes blink with stars in it?
'u look nice, marry me'...
that just came out; out of the blue..
but i just love it...
the sound of it..the taste of it...
mcd FRAIZ...
i would call u that..

if u like that...

cos i like that....
fraiz.... 
i just love it...
i just can't get enough of it..
i just can't get rid of it...
how hard, how soft, how salty it is..
i just love it..
and faiz....
i just love u.

Sesuatu Yang di Kutip Dari Tulisan Lama (3) "You and Me"

It was nothing new.

You and me.

That's how it will always be.

On the bench.

There we will be.

We were happy.

You and me.

It was rainy.

I'm happy.

That u are here.

Here with me.

Then came she.

Why it has to be?

Wasn't it supposed to be?

Just you and me?

I can't see.

Why on earth she wanted me

to leave and set you free.

Is this how u wanted it to be?

I am willingly.

If u ask me.

because I don't want to be

A burden to anybody.

On that day

I decided to choose my own way

there's nothing more to say,

Sesuatu Yang Di Kutip Dari Tulisan Lama (2) "Put People to Where They Belong"

I was with my friend when this thing occur to my mind. She tells another friend of mine that she looks cute in that plain sport t-shirt *which usually makes us looks like a nerdy nerd little school girl. I told her, "don't say that to her, u might make her feel shy". My friend said.

"Let her know that she's cute. It's not a crime."

From that day onwards, I observe people around me, and reflect my past.

There was this time, when I was in religion school, while waiting to perform my prayer, I told my friend that her other friend is beautiful. This person I spoke with is also beautiful, but she has an attitude which I don't really favor. What is it? Let me tell the whole story. After I told her about her friend, she looked at me and smile.

"She's not beautiful Asiah, she is just cute, not beautiful. There are a lot of category of nice-to-see-face, and she's not beautiful."

I can just say that she's beautiful, because she surely is. But i just can't bring myself to compliment her, because she expect me to put her to the higher place than her 'cute' friend has been placed. See. How can she said that about her own friend? I can't tell much about beauty. It is subjective. Maybe to her scale, she's beautiful, and her friend is just cute. But to my opinion, I can assume, her beauty lessen by her attitude.

Why would we want to put people to where they belong? simple.

IT'S WHERE THEY SHOULD BE.

"Do not reject good idea from whom you don't like."

This is another thing I learnt. We tend to reject ideas which came from our enemy, or rival. Why is that so? Because we hate them. Isn't that obvious? Maybe we should start to see things from another angle. Maybe their ideas is not so bad at all. Hate the person, don't hate their ideas.

Of all things that should be put in their place, to condemn people is one thing which we should not put in the appropriate place. I mean, if you saw one super-hideous person pass by, would you go and tell him. " You are a one hideous creature ". That would be so bad.....

There are some things which can and cannot be put on their place. If we think by putting it on it's right place, the world will be a better place, then, do the deed, put it to where it belong. If we are sure it will make this world grew bitter, just swallow the words, and forget about it.

"Kalau takde benda baik nak kata, baik diam."

*pesanan untuk diri sendiri juga ye Asiah, si kaki gosip.