Refleks diri Asiah Haron

Saya tak pandai berkata-kata. Saya tak pandai berbahasa. Tapi saya tahu merasa.
Saya senang terasa. Senang juga marahnya. Tapi akan tiba di satu masa di mana saya mampu memujuk untuk tidak lagi berasa marah, dengki, iri dan juga benci. Takde sapa yang paksa. Tapi ini ialah saya.

Perkara yang terjadi baru-baru ini adalah sangat menyakitkan hati. Berat nak mengaku. Saya juga terasa sedih. Tersangat sedih. Disini hari ini ingin saya katakan apa yang saya rasa selama ni. Juga niat hati saya. Untuk kebaikan diri saya sendiri, walaupun mungkin ni bukan apa yang orang terlibat mahu rasa benda yang sama.

Sejujurnya, saya susah berkawan. susah nak rapat. susah juga nak benci. Kalau di awal saya tak jumpa apa-apa tarikan untuk berbaik-baik dengan orang, saya akan jadi neutral. Saya cuba bergurau, saya cuba bercakap dengan mereka. walaupun saya sedar, orang akan sedar betapa tak genuine-nye cubaan saya berbaik-baik ni. sebab ini memang saya. saya tak pandai pura-pura. bile suka, saya kata suka. bile benci, saya kata benci. itu ialah saya.

Berkenaan apa yang terjadi dua hari lepas. Pertelingkahan antara trip ke Langkawi dan juga MAG. Benda ini menjadi sesuatu yang sangat panas dan menyakitkan hati banyak pihak. Saya juga di antara yang terlibat. Di antara yang panas hati, di antara yang berkata-kata, dan di antara yang rasa sangat marah.

Saya mengaku. Marah. Panas hati. Saya rasa tu. dan saya mengeluarkan apa yang saya rasa dalam bentuk kata-kata. Tak boleh bagi alasan yang saya  berkata-kata sebab saya tiada tempat mengadu. Tak. Saya post benda tu, sebab hati saya da tercuit dengan apa yang orang kata.

Alasan yang kamu beri, "wrong post at the wrong time." Itu kata kamu. tapi kamu juga perlu mengaku, kamu sengaja. "perli-memperli" bukan la sesuatu yang baru lagi. semua orang "master" dalam benda ni.  Saya tak kenal kamu. Tapi saya pernah bekerja dengan kamu. Saya tak kan kata faham, kenal dan tahu kamu. Saya tak tahu apa-apa pasal kamu. dan saya berharap terus-terusan tak mengenal kamu.

Tapi saya nak kata, "ambiguity leads to misunderstanding. which leads to hating.and cursing" kalau kamu bangga dengan ambiguity itu, teruskan. saya nak kata, semoga kamu baca dan tahu. saya tercuit dengan apa kamu kata. saya terasa. sebab saya menyaksikan kawan saya berusaha. itu yang terjadi. dia menangis dan bersusah. kenapa saya marah? tentu saya marah. kamu memperlekeh usaha kawan saya. ye. saya pernah bekerja dengan kamu. saya takkan kata kerja kamu teruk, atau kerja saya lebih baik. tapi, kamu sendiri tahu apa yang kamu buat. kamu sendiri patut dah sedar takat mana usaha kamu. kalau kamu rasa kamu betul dan bagus. tak perlu terasa. tak perlu nak marah.


Kamu pernah jadi kawan saya. pernah berkongsi makan minum, sabun, bantal tilam dan kisah suka duka dengan saya. jangan ingat saya tak value itu semua. saya value. semua benda tu penah jadi. tipu kalau saya tak tersentuh dengan benda yang jadi 2 tahun lepas. kite pernah berkawan. saya tak pernah mengikuti perkembangan kamu. kenapa? saya rasa, "things which i don't know will not hurt me" ye. untuk kamu saya berpegang pada itu. ye. saya tak pernah amik tahu hal kamu. dan ya. orang sentiasa berkata pasal kamu. bercerita semua kepada saya. saya ketawa. saya berlawak. tapi dalam hati, saya kata benda yang berbeza.

saya pernah hantar message pada kamu. kite tak payah nak bermusuh. kite buat hal kita. kita buat hal masing-masing. kite takkan berkawan semula. tapi kalau kite tak rasa apa-apa antara kita lebih bagus. saya juga pernah minta maaf pada semua yang jadi. kenapa saya minta maaf? sebab saya ada buat salah. saya rasa saya salah. tapi, tak bermakna saya minta maaf, semua salah jatuh atas saya. tak bermakna kamu tak buat salah apa-apa. tapi terpulang la pada kamu. kamu lebih pandai berfikir dan berkata-kata. sampai hari ni, sebut "korea". saya ingat pada kamu. kenapa? sebab kita pernah rapat. saya tau kamu  suka korea. in fact, kamu di antara yang buka mata saya pada korea. tapi saya tak dapat nak suka.sebab saya memang tak suka. masa kamu bertanding. saya ucap "good luck". saya ikhlas. saya ikhlas ucapkan benda tu. tak panjang. takde ucapan touching2. tapi saya tahu apa maksud saya, tu dah cukup. saya juga mengundi kamu. saya cakap sekarang. ye saya mengundi kamu.saya menyokong kamu.

kamu tahu apa harapan saya untuk Langkawi? sungguh.saya nak kamu pergi. kenapa? saya harap di antara hari-hari terakhir kite bersama, saya dapat gagahkan diri untuk bercakap walaupun, dengan cakap, "u borong apa?" walaupun dengan itu. bukan niat untuk membalikkan masa lama. bukan niat membuka cerita menyakitkan ati. tapi untuk menutup semua ni dengan "a'ah. dia kawan TESL saya. dulu dia penah rapat dengan saya. Tapi then kite jumpa kawan lain, then kite renggang."

saya keras ati. saya kasar. tapi hari ni saya  beritahu apa sebenar yang ada dalam hati saya. niat saya. lagi satu. di masa kamu break up dengan bf kamu, betol saya harap dapat nak call kamu. kenapa? kenapa saya nak kepoh? sebab saya tahu kamu tentu sedih. saya nak sangat amik tahu hal kamu masa tu. tapi tu lah.saya keras ati. Jujur hati saya, saya rasa nak berkongsi sedih tu dengan kamu. mungkin satu hari, satu hari yang lain. mungkin kite mampu berkongsi.

kamu. saya cuma nak bergelak ketawa. saya terus rasa lucu. saya terus rasa kelakar. kamu ingat kamu penting. kamu di kesamping. kamu tak sedar. kamu hide. kamu sembunyi. satu saya nak kata. "Why hide when you are already invisible?" ada kamu, takde kamu, tak menjadi masalah dan kudis pada saya. kata-kata kamu, sikit pon tak mencuit saya. nasihat-nasihat kamu sikit pon tak saya dengar. sekali lagi.saya tak kenal kamu. saya tak amik tahu pasal kamu. tapi sungguh, saya suka dengar cerita tentang kamu. cerita yang di ceritakan dan dicanang oleh kawan-kawan kamu sendiri. ye. kamu menjadi bahan. buka mata. "ada aku kesah?" hidup mati kamu tak menjadi masalah bagi saya.

di sini saya nak kata, saya ada niat nak meninggalkan kenangan manis bersama-sama. saya juga berniat nak mengakhiri zaman pembelajaran saya dengan cerita yang baik-baik sahaja. tapi susah. susah. tapi bukan mustahil. saya tak pandai mengeluarkan dalil. saya bukan orang yang layak menasihat. mengingati diri sendiri juga payah, lagi mahu menasihati yang lain. sebelum saya mengubah tindakan dan kata-kata orang, saya mencuba mengubah sikap dan tindakan saya. saya sedar, saya tak mampu dan layak lagi untuk menegur. sedar diri kata orang.

Untuk Asiah Haron:

"setiap apa yang jadi, ada baik dan buruknye. ada hikmah dan pengajarannya. maka Asiah Haron, kau belajar lah dari apa yang jadi. sesungguhnye, kau dapat mengawal diri kau dari memperkecilkan orang. takde sapa yang rasa apa yang kau rasa, takde sapa yang tahu apa yang ada dalam hati kau tu. semoga kau takkan memperlekehkan orang di lain hari. kau tau rasanya, jangan beri orang peluang yang sama. takde sapa perlu rasa tak best sebab orang da buat dia rasa tak best. kau pernah buat orang, mengaku. kau juga pernah rasa sedih. bila kau pernah buat orang, dan kau terkena balik, tak payah merungut lebih-lebih. Allah S.W.T tu maha adil. hari ni kau buat tak baik kat orang, esok-esok kau kene balik. semua orang ada bahagian masing-masing."

p/s Kalau kita tak jumpa benda yang menyakitkan kita, kite takkan sedar letak diri kita kat mana.

Allah S.W.T never says no to our prayers

We pray everyday. We asked for so many things. Yet we did not get what we want. Maybe what we want is not what we need. Therefore, never give up. Someday we'll get something we least expect.

Why woman cry

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?”

“Because I need to” she said.
…
“I don’t understand,” he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”

Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

“All women cry for no reason,” his dad answered carelessly.

The little boy, still wondering why women cry, finally asked the old wise Shaykh (his Islamic Teacher). “He surely knows the answer”, he thought.

“Ya Shaykh! Why do women cry so easily?”

The wise teacher replied,

“When Allah made the woman she had to be made so special. He made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. He gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that comes from her children.

He gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. He gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child hurts her very badly. He gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

He gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And lastly, He gave her a tear. This is hers and only hers exclusively to use whenever she needs it. She needs no reason, no explanation, it’s hers…

You see my son, the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the beauty of her face, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.”

The little boy found the answer and never asked the same question again

Unconditional love lives with the parents.

Lately I have been thinking about very important thoughts. Here I am, at the age of 23 years old, a final year student. I have about 3 months to spend as a student. And after that, I’m going to step into another new phase. Working. It is something new to me. I’ve experienced working before. It’s just that this is a new serious thing which I have to make a very precise and serious decision on where would I want to work. Where would be the best place for me to start my life?

Initially, I thought maybe I would like to apply to work in the big city, near any university which I can further my study, because Insya-Allah, I would like to do master after 2 or 3 years working. That was my initial plan. So, in order to do that, maybe I would apply to teach at Selangor, KL, or Bangi maybe. That was me, thinking about me, and only me.

Lately, I’ve been spending so many times with my family, my mom and my dad especially. We’ve been talking, doing things together, not so many things, but that’s surely enough to alter my decision. Observing how they went through they days at home, I felt something; a responsible to make their days better. To let them feel like any other father and mother did. It’s not like my brothers and sisters failed to do so. They have done their part, and I’m sure, they have been through this same phase in their life thinking about our mom and dad.

When I got the letter from UKM, telling I was accepted to further my study, I was happy I am sure my mom and dad were too. But my mom especially, was very worried. Why? She did not know how to get money to support my study. She was torn I am sure. Initially she wanted me to work because she cannot work any harder to gain money to support me. I was pissed. We have a bit of argument about that. And my dad said, “Go for it”.

However, I made it through, got into UKM, until this very last semester of my study. Alhamdulillah, I never failed any subject, my pointer was never a disappointment to me and my parents.

All this time, I’ve been through a few bad moments. And almost all, the voice of my mother, makes me feel at ease. I can’t remember just how many times I’ve been down and just how many times did I had argument with my mom, but still, when I get back home, she’ll always show me that unconditional love she always had. Showing how much she cares even sometimes I said she didn’t.

The last time I went back home, I had this conversation with my mom. I asked her, where I should apply for posting. She said home is better. It’s near to the family, and it’ll be easier. When I told her I wanted to apply posting away from home, to be away from everybody, she sit there, with a face of no expression. And I know, she was sad and disappointed. She would like me to be near family. That’s what a mother would want right? For her children to be close to her. And suddenly she said, she always wanted to go for holiday, anywhere far, the place where everybody had been to and she has never got the chance to go. Like Langkawi. She said she get bored sit at home and doing the same thing all day. I promised her I would take her one day, and I would. I asked her, why didn’t she ask my brothers or sisters if she always wanted to go there? She said she makes calculation about each child. She observed how they live their life, and how many would it take for them to bring her for a holiday. And she said she don’t want to burden any of them because they have to think about other things. At that moment, as I look at my mother, I knew now, just how much she had sacrificed and keeping what she wants untold for the sake of her children especially me, since this last 4 years has been very hard for her, supporting me study.

My father may not be the person I would talk about everything with. But I knew for sure, he has the same amount of hope and expectations with my mom. His health condition is not very good now. But I always knew, he put it all behind his back so he can do the best for his children’s life. I knew this sounds simple but this is how I know he really cares. Every time I went back home, he’ll be asking what would I want for breakfast. If I wanted to eat anything, he would always go out there and look for it. He’s too old to work now. That’s what I think.

I remember when I was waiting for SPM result, I would have this interview. However, during that day, it rained heavily. And I decided not to go. He then asked me to get ready he would bring me, with a motorcycle. That’s what he got, because he cannot drive now. And so, we went to the interview, and we both soaked up along the road. I have my jacket with me, I would want to give it to him, but he didn’t want to take it. Along the road, I can see him shivering out of cold. As I look at him, I promised he would not have to do that again, not to ride in the rain ever again.

People use to call my father “haji”.  But he had never gone for hajj before. Every time I heard people call him “haji”, I knew deep inside, he wanted that to really happen. Who wouldn’t want to go for hajj right? I knew he wanted to, but he can’t afford to; and to ask from his children, that’s so not him. Insya-Allah, I will fulfill his dream.

I may have not always been obedient, may not always been good to them. I had arguments and dis-satisfaction with them; but still I will try my best to be the best daughter for the. To make their life better, to fulfill what they want and to serve them as long as I can. 

A joke

BENGANG

enough said

Hanger + Hujan; ada kene mengena dengan Chinese New Year ke?

hujan turun da berapa hari.tak lebat. tp berterusan. so.....lembap + basah je la hari..aku pon naik malas nak bangun pagi-pagi nak pegi keje.sejuk kot! 

chinese new year. urgh. ramai gile kot customer. cam nak tercabut kaki. berdiri lebih 12 jam.

chinese new year, so mostly customer pon chinese la kan.

aku heran. ramai btol orang beli hanger. sume orang cina tu pon beli hanger. timbul kemusykilan di hati. tapi tak cakap pape lagi.

ermm.....

dalam hati:

mungkin, sebab nak sambut chinese new year, diorang kene beli hanger yang baru2 kot. maybe laaa...

Satu hari tu.promoter chinese bayar kat counter aku.

Aku pon interview dia.

I tanya sikit, boleh ka?

Apa?

Ini Chinese New Year kan, kenapa ha, ramai orang cina nak beli hanger. ada apa nak guna dengan hanger? 

Oh...hanger ar?? *dia senyum kambing.

Erm.kalau u tak mao kasi tau takpela.i tanya je. 

Sudah berapa hari hujan maa...mao sangkut baju dalam rumah, tak cukup hanger. itu sebab la beli hanger.

Errr...camtu ea? ooo...

hehehe..memalukan.sengal tak.takde kene mengena hanger dgn Chinese New Year ye. hihihih. 

*sengal la ko ni asiah. 

SO, 

Takde kene mengena dengan : 

Heart of Life by John Mayer

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

(Whistle Interlude)

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good