Lately I have been thinking about very important thoughts. Here I am, at the age of 23 years old, a final year student. I have about 3 months to spend as a student. And after that, I’m going to step into another new phase. Working. It is something new to me. I’ve experienced working before. It’s just that this is a new serious thing which I have to make a very precise and serious decision on where would I want to work. Where would be the best place for me to start my life?
Initially, I thought maybe I would like to apply to work in the big city, near any university which I can further my study, because Insya-Allah, I would like to do master after 2 or 3 years working. That was my initial plan. So, in order to do that, maybe I would apply to teach at Selangor, KL, or Bangi maybe. That was me, thinking about me, and only me.
Lately, I’ve been spending so many times with my family, my mom and my dad especially. We’ve been talking, doing things together, not so many things, but that’s surely enough to alter my decision. Observing how they went through they days at home, I felt something; a responsible to make their days better. To let them feel like any other father and mother did. It’s not like my brothers and sisters failed to do so. They have done their part, and I’m sure, they have been through this same phase in their life thinking about our mom and dad.
When I got the letter from UKM, telling I was accepted to further my study, I was happy I am sure my mom and dad were too. But my mom especially, was very worried. Why? She did not know how to get money to support my study. She was torn I am sure. Initially she wanted me to work because she cannot work any harder to gain money to support me. I was pissed. We have a bit of argument about that. And my dad said, “Go for it”.
However, I made it through, got into UKM, until this very last semester of my study. Alhamdulillah, I never failed any subject, my pointer was never a disappointment to me and my parents.
All this time, I’ve been through a few bad moments. And almost all, the voice of my mother, makes me feel at ease. I can’t remember just how many times I’ve been down and just how many times did I had argument with my mom, but still, when I get back home, she’ll always show me that unconditional love she always had. Showing how much she cares even sometimes I said she didn’t.
The last time I went back home, I had this conversation with my mom. I asked her, where I should apply for posting. She said home is better. It’s near to the family, and it’ll be easier. When I told her I wanted to apply posting away from home, to be away from everybody, she sit there, with a face of no expression. And I know, she was sad and disappointed. She would like me to be near family. That’s what a mother would want right? For her children to be close to her. And suddenly she said, she always wanted to go for holiday, anywhere far, the place where everybody had been to and she has never got the chance to go. Like Langkawi. She said she get bored sit at home and doing the same thing all day. I promised her I would take her one day, and I would. I asked her, why didn’t she ask my brothers or sisters if she always wanted to go there? She said she makes calculation about each child. She observed how they live their life, and how many would it take for them to bring her for a holiday. And she said she don’t want to burden any of them because they have to think about other things. At that moment, as I look at my mother, I knew now, just how much she had sacrificed and keeping what she wants untold for the sake of her children especially me, since this last 4 years has been very hard for her, supporting me study.
My father may not be the person I would talk about everything with. But I knew for sure, he has the same amount of hope and expectations with my mom. His health condition is not very good now. But I always knew, he put it all behind his back so he can do the best for his children’s life. I knew this sounds simple but this is how I know he really cares. Every time I went back home, he’ll be asking what would I want for breakfast. If I wanted to eat anything, he would always go out there and look for it. He’s too old to work now. That’s what I think.
I remember when I was waiting for SPM result, I would have this interview. However, during that day, it rained heavily. And I decided not to go. He then asked me to get ready he would bring me, with a motorcycle. That’s what he got, because he cannot drive now. And so, we went to the interview, and we both soaked up along the road. I have my jacket with me, I would want to give it to him, but he didn’t want to take it. Along the road, I can see him shivering out of cold. As I look at him, I promised he would not have to do that again, not to ride in the rain ever again.
People use to call my father “haji”. But he had never gone for hajj before. Every time I heard people call him “haji”, I knew deep inside, he wanted that to really happen. Who wouldn’t want to go for hajj right? I knew he wanted to, but he can’t afford to; and to ask from his children, that’s so not him. Insya-Allah, I will fulfill his dream.
I may have not always been obedient, may not always been good to them. I had arguments and dis-satisfaction with them; but still I will try my best to be the best daughter for the. To make their life better, to fulfill what they want and to serve them as long as I can.
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